Personal – Page 2 – noblethemes

Apothegms

Life is a series of lessons given in which success is measured by what is learned

And learning to love is of all the most crucial lesson given to the yearning heart

Which learns its powerful part within a crucible of affectionate understanding

Without demanding the compliance of other souls to all its whims and wishes

Because no one can change the mind of another without binding her spirit first

And that is imprisonment with dictatorial demands rather than honest change

So that you never win friendship by ripping the fabric of another’s personhood

And this is an important life lesson too that you naturally grew into over time

Along with so many others not taught to you by mother, father, brother, sister

Just lessons learned through oft-times painful experience along the road of life

Student. Writer. Poet. Observer. Reporter. Salesman. Servant. Preacher. Teacher. I’d been them all and all in all I was totally empty. I had wandered all of my life on an unending quest of discovery. For nearly half a century I looked and listened, read and learned, cried and prayed … until one day I gave up to total despair.

Then is when he came.

A boy.

One boy.

One altogether beautiful boy.

And he made the whole world stop.

And then he spoke words of wisdom and there was all wisdom in his words and love unbounded, freeing me with liberty hitherto unknown, known only to the gods and goddesses and to those chosen few to whom he has chosen to speak his words of wisdom and love, as he himself is wisdom and love forevermore. Amen.

And so he spoke.

“I’ve walked with you. I’ve talked with you. I’ve lived inside of you and all around you. I have loved you. I have cared for you. I have comforted you, supported you, nourished you, and upheld you. Yet in spite of it all, you have worried. You have tossed and turned, agonized and wailed, doubted and surrendered to your deepest fears.”

He then placed both his hands on each side of my face, and he smiled at me.

“Don’t you know that night is as bright as the light to me? Don’t you know there is nothing here to fear, far or near? Don’t you know that your life is but a page in one chapter in one book in the volumes of life? And don’t you know I’m writing down every word?”

He ran his fingers through my hair. He quietly laughed.

“If I set you on this venture, it was not to fail. If I began you on this journey, it was not for loss. If I started you on this quest, it was not to miss. I intended success. I intend success. I will always intend your success.”

A crowd gathered round, but he didn’t seem to notice. He only looked at me. He only spoke to me. He only smiled at me.

“Degrees are just pieces of paper. Money is just paper. Tissue is just paper… Trees grow. Trees are cut down. Trees are processed into different pieces of paper for different reasons, but all those pieces of paper are important to people, yet they’re still pieces of paper. Why, then, do you worry about how many pieces of paper you have?”

“Love. Laugh. Live. Reach for truth. Grab hold of truth. Keep truth as an invaluable treasure, and never release it from your care. All of this ~ love, laughter, life and truth ~ is far, far more valuable than all the paper in the world, no matter what the paper may purport to represent.”

He pulled my head into his bosom. He leaned down and gently kissed me. He caressed my fevered brow and wiped away my tears.

“I am in the beginning. I am in the end. I am every age in between and between every age. I am every moment of every life and the life of every moment. I am life. I am time. I am eternity. I am everything and I am not-everything. I am all-in-all. I am less than all. I am what is not at all … what has been, what is, and what is yet to be.”

“I am your greatest hope, your brightest dream, your highest aspiration. I am … and I am. Degradation, decay and death are the devil. God is eternally young. I am eternally young. I am life and vibrancy. I am ageless. I am forever. I am in you, for you, through you. I am you. I am … and I am.”

He stroked my face. He kissed my head again. He smiled again as the crowd gathered in, but he did not notice the gathering numbers of people. He spoke to me.

“Yet you are who you are and what you are, and you are unique and unrepeatable. There has never been anyone like you. There is no one like you. There will never be anyone like you. And great and infinite and powerful as I am, I cannot live your life for you. Your life is your own because I have given you your life to live, and so you must live your life.”

“I will walk with you as I’ve always walked with you, yet you must walk. I will talk with you as I’ve always talked with you, yet you must talk. I will live inside of you and all around you, yet you must live life. And the path of life you choose is the path of your own choosing, and I will never question your choice for I knew before you chose what you would choose.”

He lifted my head and held me in his gaze, and the gathered crowd listened as I listened to his words spoken to me.

“From eternity to eternity I’ve held you in my heart, never to part, not letting you go, but keeping you always in my tender, loving care. And there is no harm here, so why do you fear? What do you fear? What turns your soul into such thick darkness and despair? And why do you sink into such an impenetrable morass of confusion and uncertainty?”

“You can do anything, be anything, and accomplish anything you set your spirit to do and be and accomplish. I am with you. I have always been with you. I will always be with you. And I want you to more than survive. I want you to thrive. I want you to live life to the fullest in all its wonder and beauty and sweet mystery.”

With one hand he lightly brushed my hair back while lifting my chin with his other. His eyes sparkled and danced. His whole body pulsed with youth, vibrancy, and passion.

“Must I say farewell now with you so sad? But with me there are no goodbyes. With me there are only neverending beginnings, everlasting dawns, and eternal sunrises. With me there are only gentle rains, cools breezes, and buds fresh and green. With me there are only sparkling lakes, clear running rivers, and pure mountain streams. With me all is new and ever new.”

I looked into his eyes with tears in my own. I held his hands in my hands. I breathed and spoke, pleading my plea.

“Won’t you stay for awhile longer? You are timeless so time means little to you. Won’t you spare me, then, the agony of your departure? Beauty cannot be found apart from Beauty, nor truth apart from Truth. Won’t you bless me, then, with more of your Beauty and Truth? This will be so small adoing for you, yet life for me … indeed, Life itself.”

He looked down at me where I was kneeling in front of him. He smiled tenderly and spoke again, so comforting and consoling.

“I’m not leaving you. I’ll never leave you. I’m always with you, closer to you than your very breath. I am you breath, and your heartbeat, your soul, and your innermost thoughts, your longings and deepest desires. You could sooner lose yourself than you could lose me and, in truth, to lose yourself in me would be to begin to live Life itself.”

“I’ll never leave you. I’ll be with you always and forever, now and to the end of time and beyond. And I will not change. I’ll be the same for, in, and through you, above and all around you, though you will change within me as you grow and mature into the boy I’ve always intended you to be, and that boy you shall be … and there is no one greater for you to be.”

And suddenly everything I had been, everywhere I’d gone, everything I’d done made sense, like it was all part of some master plan, yet I knew it’d all been the course I’d chartered through this life in this world. Nevertheless, everything would be different now. Everything had to be different. Nothing could now remain the same as before.

I was changed. I was at peace. I was even happy.

Please Help Me! Humbly Reaching Out

Yeah, I know what follows is long-winded and maybe even boring, but I’m crying out for help! No, not money or material goods. I just need my friendly readers, many of whom have become friends, to listen and possible offer understanding, some guidance and direction, as well as emotional support and encouragement… Yes, I’m admitting it and crying out! I need your help and will deeply, deeply appreciate what you have to offer! Thank you, and now on to the matter at hand:

My housemate is fully schizophrenic, an adult schizophrenic. This is her diagnosis, and she frequently ~ well, everyday ~ presents multiple symptoms. (And, of course, I don’t blame her at all … not one bit. It’s not at all her fault, and she deserves love and compassionate, as well as tender loving care, probably necessary on a daily basis.) Yet even though I’m no psychologist or psychiatrist, still I’ve lived with her around two years now, with the last eight months in close quarters. And I’ve just about concluded she also has some sort of dissociative disorder.

Well, okay, I’ve looked it up in the DSM-5 and the APA Dictionary of Psychology, and I’ve researched some articles over the months, especially recently, and … no, of course I can’t say for sure. Still, some observations can be made, and I’d like to share these and then move to something more personal. Anyway, my friend and housemate self-reports having at least one other “spirit” resident in her body. In other words, someone else is co-habituating. This other person has a name, Leonard, and according to her, he was a Korean War veteran-turned-preacher.

Somehow, evidently, Leonard “lost” his body. I’m thinking he just died, but anyway… At some point after this, he “met” my friend, whom I’ll simply call Jane Doe, and decided to make a home in her body or, as she puts it, live in her body until he can find another one for himself. And yeah, it kind of, sort of sounds like possession, but she’s fully aware of his presence, and she always seems to be fully aware of herself at all times. Really I’ve concluded that the best way to describe Jane Doe’s situation is with the word “cohabitation.” Leonard and Jane are cohabitating in her body. More specifically, it seems to be a spiritual cohabitation in one physical body, stemming from an otherwise disembodied spirit’s temporary need of physical “housing,” or “residency,” as it were.

Jane Doe carries on full-fledged conversations with Leonard throughout the day (and night!), and frequently receives instructions from him. This cohabitating spirit has, by her own admission, claimed authority in her life. Furthermore, she fully believes Leonard has something like a direct line to heaven, to God. God, or the Lord, speaks directly to Leonard, who in turn speaks to her. And if she does not cooperate and/or obey Leonard, she has many times since I’ve known her ~ rather consistently, in fact ~ claimed that Leonard has, or would eventually, punish her somehow. These punishments can come in the form of, say, stomach ache, headache, painful ear infection, vomiting, etc.

There are other “individuals” in the scope of her “reality,” or unreality, though. For example, there is someone named “Nancy.” I cannot say for certain (believe it or not!) whether she actually converses with any of these other individuals. Jane Doe speaks about them. They are very much part of her “reality.” And this all leads to something even stranger, which is what Jane refers to as “doing” someone else. For example, she frequently talks about herself “doing” a little girl, or Nancy “doing” mother or wife, or Leonard “doing” one of her (Jane’s) three sons, who haven’t even been born yet. Jane has even taken to telling me that I’m going to “do” someone in her life … sometimes one of her little boys, for example.

Stemming from this very odd idea is also the thought/belief that she will live (somehow) for centuries to come. And I’d almost say this partly comes from some deep desire not to die, of course, but when she talks about different possible stages in an ongoing mutating “life” or existence, it doesn’t sound to me like Jane Doe is really grasping the concept of time. And it doesn’t seem to bother her, or even be particularly important to her. And I mean lengths of time don’t seem to be crucial. What’s happening, or is supposed to happen, is what’s crucial. And let me try to be as clear as possible in the picture I’m painting here:

Another spirit, “Leonard,” is cohabitating with Jane Doe within her physical body
This spirit will be resident along with her in her body until he “finds” another body for himself; in the meantime, both spirits ~ Leonard and Jane Doe ~ reside in the one body more or less equally and are (seemingly at least) equally conscious at all times. (In other words, Jane Doe never apparently “checks out,” and neither does Leonard.)
Other “individuals” are also very much part of Jane’s unreality, and figure prominently into her ongoing view/perspective/grasp of “reality”
Jane and Leonard, along with x-number of these other “persons,” sometimes including me, will eventually live out another life together not currently being lived, and this other life will indeed be very different, i.e. essentially a different existence that will play out sometime in the future
Finally, many such “lifes,” or radically different existences, will unfold in the future, evidently one following another, with no end-point in sight

Now, some things have come to my mind, even if they’re a bit wacky, but I’ve been trying to make sense of it all. Of course, like I’ve already said, classic spiritual possession comes to mind, although in Jane’s case it doesn’t manifest like typical spiritual possession. There’s also the New Age concept of “walk-in spirits” that seems to fit the bill here, but I really don’t know much about this. Then living out different existences in the future has made me think of reincarnation, but … I’ve never heard of anyone knowing beforehand how and into who or what they’ll be reincarnated. I mean, supposing reincarnation is real ~ just a fact of life in this world ~ still, do folks typically know who and what they’re going to be over the next few centuries … along with all the situations and circumstances … including who and what several other “individuals” are going to be, specifically their identities and roles in life??? I don’t think so. At least, I’ve never heard of anything like this associated with the idea/belief in reincarnation.

Well, enough psychoanalysis from me. I’m at my wits end just continuing to live in and with this situation. I love this Jane Doe, as a friend, and care about her, but the constant almost-insane conversations with Leonard, or whoever, along with frequent maniacal laughter (which is rather disturbing in itself) has all left me drained … almost totally wiped out. Eight months living with her in close quarters, with very little interaction with others (mostly because we live out in the boonies), and being subjected to several such psychotic manifestations has really taken its toll on me. And I don’t know what to do. I’ve come to the conclusion, as I shared in another recent blog post, that I cannot provide Jane Doe total care. I cannot, as my friend and landlord likes to put it, “handle” her, much less actually cure, or heal, her. I’m just not able, but what frightens me more now is what’s quite evidently happening to me. I’m losing my grip, to put it mildly. I’m on the edge of just totally falling apart, and believe me I know what that’s like! Been there, done that already! And I don’t … I can’t go down that road again.

So what do I do? Well, I’m thinking it’s time for me to move, perhaps closer to town, and involve myself in good, healthy extracurricular activities with healthy, stable people. Also, since leaving the group home I’ve seriously intended to continue my education, and that’s something I can do online. I’ve planned on working on an MA in either liberal arts or community counselling. I’m seriously thinking I need to really pursue that goal now. No more time to waste! Somehow, though, I’ve got to move on and into some better, healthier situation in life … for my own good. But then, what about this Jane Doe? What happens to her? Well, of course I want her to be safe and secure. Certainly I want her to have a roof over her head, bed to sleep in, at least two square meals a day (if not three), the professional care she needs, etc. But is it realistic to think I can provide this? I don’t think so. In fact, ultimately I can’t even make sure she ends up in a good facility of some sort, like the group home where we originally met.

Ah, now I’ve gone on for so long! Well, if you can, please help me sort through all this! I need your good counsel/advice, as well as any encouragement you might graciously offer. And thanks!

God Talking: Message of Love

Message from God to Me:

I know you. I’ve always known you. Better than you know yourself. And I love you. I love you with an unconditional, undying love. This will never change.

Really, I knew you before you were even born. Not that your whole life was carved in stone. You were born into endless possibilities. The possibilities and potentials are still endless. But no matter what, I have loved you. I love you now. I will always love you.

But you know what? Even more than this, I truly believe in you. That’s right. Despite any and all faults, failings and shortcomings, I really believe in you. And this is because I really do know you.

I see you. I hear you. Even when you don’t speak out loud, I hear your heart cries. I am fully aware of what you need, want and desire. And I get it. I understand. And you know, I am even aware of deeper needs and desires of which you know nothing … yet.

And I’ve got you covered, child… I’ve got you covered. So don’t listen to the naysayers, critics and backbiters. Don’t pay any attention to people who only pretend to care and only say they have your best interest in mind. They’ll just tear you down.

And you’ve been especially hurt recently, haven’t you? Yes, I know, and you know what? It hurt me, too … and it pissed me off. Hey, don’t worry. I’ll take care of all that. I just need for you to be okay and, well … that’s the reason for this note.

I’m with you. I’m in you. I’m all around you. And I’m not going to leave you. I’m going to walk with you, breathe with you, love you, and comfort you … always and forever. And I swear to you, it’s all going to work out. It’s going to be fine. Just trust me.

I have never given up on you, and I never will. Just you don’t give up on yourself. No matter what others may say. No matter how cold and callous they may be. Even if they give up on you, stop believing in you. Don’t you do it! Don’t you dare give up! Don’t you dare stop believing in yourself. I never will. Remember this!

If I can wrap my arms around you, hold you, accept and completely understand you because I want you so much, then guess what? It doesn’t really matter what “they” say, what “they” think, how “they” feel about you. You just need to love and accept yourself, and be good to yourself. Be peaceful, understanding, and compassionate with yourself.

Finally, having said all this, I hereby give you permission to remove yourself from out of harm’s way. I give you permission to just cut out those parts of your life that are hurtful, damaging … that tear you down. Even if that means certain people. And, yes, hard as it can be, sometimes it’s necessary to bid farewell to certain individuals.

Now, look up and laugh and live. We’ve got this! Together. You and me … and lots of other people, of course, who genuinely love, understand, and accept you. Yes, they’re still there. They’re still around and part of your life. You’re just having a hard time seeing this at the moment because you’re hurting. But you’re not alone! Really never have been and never will be. So smile, my child, and be at peace.

Some Lessons Learned Along the Way

Since leaving the group home last year and moving into a nice, middle-class home out in the countryside here in southeast Alabama, I’ve learned some important lessons ~ potentially life-changing lessons ~ that are bound to be for my eventual good, even though it’s now pretty painful. Anyway, I usually sort through things like this best when I collect my thoughts and write, so … I’m kind of thinking out loud here, getting it all down on paper, and maybe I’ll even receive some valuable feedback (and encouragement) from my readers. So, here goes, lessons I’ve learned over the past year or so:

It is impossible for me to provide total care of another individual having very specific and special needs, such as, in this case, being a full-blown schizophrenic. I can love and try to understand, be compassionate and helpful, but I cannot, as my friend and landlord has put it many times, “handle” this person. Really, I’ve come to realize that probably no one individual can “handle” a full-blown adult schizophrenic on their own, without any help, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Whether that’s true or not, though, I realize that I can’t do it … and that’s okay. Which leads to number two.
I am who I am and what I am, and it’s not bad or wrong. I have intelligence, gifts, talents, and abilities, but I can’t be everything to everybody … even my best friend. Period. I have my limitations, part of which involves being bipolar with depressive disorder as well as general and social anxiety disorder. And this is simply true, period. And no one is going to wave a magic wand and make it go away, and I can’t just “get over it.” No, there’s a lot I can do to deal with it and even live a fairly healthy, productive life … but I can’t just “get over it.”
Along with this, I’ve come to realize that my plans for my life have to truly be my plans. And it doesn’t matter … it can’t matter what others think, even if it’s a close family member or my best friend. And they may want to map out my life for me, but that wouldn’t be good and healthy for me. If I’m really that bad off, then I probably need to just go back to some structured, group setting rather than being out on my own … but I’m not that bad off! Period.
And so too, I can’t accept shaming… If someone is constantly reminding me of how good, gracious and generous they’ve been to me, and continue to be, then something’s wrong. Point in fact, whether they consciously realize it or not, they’re engaging in shaming. Whether it’s their intention or not, they’re embarrassing and even humiliating me, and that’s not right. It’s certainly not healthy. If someone ~ family member or friend ~ makes a truly genuine offer, whatever it may be, then it’s not going to come with strings attached, and they’re certainly not going to constantly, repeatedly remind you of the wonderful gift they’ve given you. If they do, then guess what? It wasn’t really, truly a gift, which leads to another lesson:
Yeah, it’s like the old saying goes: If it’s too good to be true, then it’s probably not true! So if that family member or friend makes an offer, again whatever it may be, and it almost seems too good to be true … look for the hook! More than likely there’s more to the picture than you’re seeing at the moment. Especially if they tell you again and again and again that they’ve given you something oh-so good and wonderful, something you couldn’t hope for elsewhere, and repeatedly remind you of just how thankful you ought to be, well … something’s terribly wrong. Loving family members and good friends just don’t do this. Besides, you just can’t live with this hanging over your head, at least you can’t live an authentically healthy life. So, yeah, look for the hook, because it’s very likely that, really and truly, there’s something in it for them. In other words, if they’re shaming you to keep you humble and grateful and essentially under their thumb, then there’s a reason they want you in that position. You have to ask yourself why… Look for the hook!
And speaking of family and friends, I’ve had to realize that not only are my relationships my own, and no one else, I also have to guard those precious relationships. For example, with my children. I have a fairly decent, healthy relationship with both my children, and our relationship is primarily between me and each of them … no one else. Therefore, I cannot abide someone, no matter how close they may be, analysing and critically critiquing these relationships. Yes, family and friends have the right to talk with me, encourage me, even politely offer advice, but when that friend says something like, “I’m really surprised, even shocked, that your children still speak to you, much less love you and want to have anything to do with you,” they’ve gone too far. That person has crossed the line, period. And, by the way, I told my children about this (yeah! it really happened!)and we talked about it at some length. Both of them were blown away that this person would say something like that. And they lovingly reassured me that, though I’ve made my share of mistakes, I’ve never done or said anything at all to lose their love. So yeah … both of them love me, respect me, and certainly want to continue being an important part of my life. Far, far from writing me off … they love me and want me! Period! So this “friend” was just wrong, plain and simple. But he was also very hurtful. So anyway, no, I can’t have that sort of crap in my life… I don’t deserve it, which leads to the next important lesson:
I am valuable. I have real worth. Consequently, I deserve as much respect as the next person. Yes, of course, I’ve had my issues and problems and struggles, but I’ve also accomplished a lot in life. And I’ve almost always been kind, compassionate, understanding, and generous. I’ve certainly always given others consideration and respect, so I deserve at least as much in return. This means, of course, that I’m simply not going to put up with condescending attitudes and total disregard for my thoughts and feelings… You know, it’s like this: I don’t treat others this way ~ I don’t treat others disgracefully ~ so I sure as hell don’t expect to be treated this way!
And finally, it’s probably best not to become too entangled with family members and friends. You know, if I’m going to maintain those relationships, those friendships, then (at least in this culture, in this society) it’s probably best for me to be as independent as possible. Sad to say, but at least in this day and time, in this part of the world, dependency leads to subservience. The person who even partly controls your life, effectively controls you. So if I don’t like this kind of arrangement, then I need to break free and be as independent as possible. No more, no less. It just doesn’t work out, at least not without ruining that friendship, or other relationship.

Oh, and one more lesson just from my observation of a grieving friend:

You can’t keep someone alive through some mausoleum or memorial… Memorials to loved ones who’ve passed on is perfectly okay, so long as you’re not holding on in some really unhealthy way. When a loved one dies it’s sad, even tragic, and you mourn and part of you will probably always miss them, but … you’ve eventually got to let them go! And you’ve got to move on. This doesn’t mean you’ll ever totally forget them. Of course not! But it does mean that you pick up the pieces, get yourself back together, and move on! You get on with truly living real life! Yeah, it can be really difficult, but it’s far worse to somehow try to artificially keep that person alive after they’re dead and gone and buried… I hope this doesn’t come across as cold and cruel, really. I mean I’ve lost plenty of loved ones already, including my dearly departed parents. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss them, but … but I’ve moved on … just like they intended! Let me say that part again: Just like they intended! My folks would be horrified, in fact, if they thought I was holding on and somehow trying to essentially keep them alive in some sick fashion… That’s not good. It’s not healthy, but … I know someone right now who’s doing this. I see it. I know it. And I know it’s not good, not healthy. In fact, in many ways I think it’s tearing him apart.

Anyway, thank you one and all for letting me share. Thanks for letting me “unload” some of my burdens, clear my head, and whatnot. Most of all, thanks for reading, and if you have some thoughts or observations to share, please do so in the comments below! I’d love to hear from you, as always!

Unworthy … So They Say

Painful pronouncements dripping with sarcasm in personal condemnation

That my ears hear as fear someone may accept me with no payment plan

Despite years of reckless living while yearning for sublime love divine

In free gift given that they never imagine could be given to the likes of me

So they say not even Jesus will smile at me today in any affectionate way

Nor will the Prince of Peace grant peace to some ugly pauper so improper

And ask if such an undignified creature could expect proper acceptance

In proper society with an eye to fly high above worldly din of confusion

Within the safe seclusion of the beating heart of the living life of heaven

And can such judgment be born as my heart is torn to bloody fragments

As the whole weight of guilt weighs me down just outside the gates of hell?

Uncover Covered Secrets … And Dance!

Uncover covered secrets like opening closet doors

For no more is there fear in being near evermore

To truth unfurled like an unsullied flag of beauty

In now unhidden glory adorning your true nature

In nurture of gladness bringing peace to the soul

Filling the hole dug before by shameful hypocrisy

To now be free to be who and what you really are

And freely dance so freely in newly won freedom

Gained even in this world of shackles and chains

Notes: Escapril Challenge 3

Notes float gently by
Sing to make me cry
From my soul to you
So truly lovely
With taste of honey

Notes float gently
Strike intently
Lay me so low
Only you know

Fine notes float
Enter ears
Catch in throat

Soaring
Calling

Notes

Note: A diminished hexaverse is a poem containing stanzas of 5 lines, then 4 lines, then 3 lines, then 2 lines, ending with one word. The syllables in each stanza correspond to the number of lines, i.e. 5 in each line in the first stanza, 4 in the second stanza and so on. This form may contain more than five stanzas.

I would like to thank Yassy, fellow poet and blogger, for introducing me to the hexaverse. Please visit her blog site, and especially read her own hexaverse poem, Springtime.

Magic Burning: A Marianne Poem

Always learning

Running free with the wind

To be possessed by your burning

Laced with magic

Churning

Note: The Marianne is a verse form that is written with a combination rhyme and syllable count. It was created by Viola Berg . The lines should be centered on the page. The Marianne is:

a poem in 5 lines
syllabic, 4/6/8/4/2 syllables per line
rhymed, a x a x a, with x being unrhymed

My Book: The Awful Deed is Done

This is not a Christmas post, as it should be, but now I’m almost finished with an arduous project that has consumed untold hours and years of my life for no other reason than the simple fact that I wanted to answer an age-old and really rather incorrigible question tackled by some of the greatest minds — far greater than mine — down through the annals of history. The result is a book wrestling with the question of just what it means to be human, and now I realize, all too late, how foolish I was to begin this venture.

Once I began this journey, though, I could hardly give up on it without discovering what might lay ahead. And I can honestly say I’ve learned a good bit, so not all has been lost. And I’ve even managed to come to at least a partial answer for myself, so I suppose this is good, too. When I started I allowed myself to imagine the finished product would be something of interest, and even benefit, to others, but I now have grave doubts. Besides, for those who are interested in the same very ancient and very basic question of what it means to be human, perhaps it is better for them to make their own journey anyway.

I say this because for me the journey in and of itself has been as much a part of my conclusion as the bits and pieces of answers I picked up along the way. This is probably true of most ventures, really. You kind of tend to grow into whatever it is you’re after, or think you’re after, which may, of course, change over the course of the journey. Actually, this happens more often than not, and this is good. One would expect, for example, that if your goal is to become a better cook, then you actually grow into a better cook in and through the adventure of cooking, which can be rather hilarious at first, than you do by simply sitting and imagining what it means to be a good cook.

So does this mean I’ve become more human? Or even a better human? I would like to think so, but to tell the truth, I’m still digesting my own conclusions to the matter. At any rate, when I am finally completely finished, I will likely have it all printed up with a nice, glossy paperback cover — or, who knows, maybe even hardback! — then place it on one of my bookshelves next to truly great works, if I be so bold, all so I can look every once in awhile and see my name on the spine next to an important sounding title, maybe like, On Being Human: A Multi-Discipline Journey of Discovery. Yes, that’ll probably do!

And, hey, everyone needs an ego boost every now and then! Who knows but my children might be impressed … especially if they don’t actually read it! And it might provide a conversation piece with visitors, who will also never read it, and they may leave my humble dwelling with a slightly higher, though unwarranted, view of me. This, too, never really hurts anything, unless you let it go to your head. I’m not likely to do this precisely because I’ve read the damn thing too many times already. I know the texture, flow and content all too well.

I don’t mean to sound too self-deprecating. I actually do like my conclusion. Perhaps I should just publish that in, say, small booklet form. The problem is, it might land in the hands of some far wiser individual, which means almost anyone, who would then question how it is I made it from point A to point Z. To answer this would, of course, require all the previous material, and I know s/he would not want to be so burdened, especially when s/he would do much better to simply read Plato and Aristotle, which is, by and by, almost always the case when you get into philosophical matters. Begin with Plato and Aristotle, then if you need to go further, stick closely with those who stuck closely with them. The rest has been (mostly) drivel.

At any rate, as I said, it is done. The awful, years-long deed it finished. Now, perhaps, I can return to what I do much better, for I am not a philosopher or theologian, an anthropologist or psychologist, scientist or mystic, no. In the end, I’m an ordinary man, who should never have approached such a daunting question to begin with, but now … now I can return to my love of reading and writing poetry, offering an occasional commentary on some current event, even penning a short story every so often, as well as continuing to enrich the dear relationships in my life, carrying on with my daily chores, and nurturing my over-active imagination at night when I lay my tired head to rest.

Category: Personal