I have always loved you with an undying love;
You’ve responded only with laxity and apathy.
I have cared, pulling you back from the snare;
You’ve never showed gratitude in your attitude.
I have always encouraged you and nourished you;
You’ve responded by starving me of affection.
I have always given my best through every test;
You’ve turned away and burned in sordid lies.
I have always treasured you with happy pleasure;
You’ve taken me for granted, enchanted by self.
Now I am tired and weary, leery of giving more
For I am sore afflicted and conflicted in soul.
And what will you do now but to go on your way
Without one word to say? But is this the day
When I must sigh and forever say goodbye?
Or will God turn your heart of stone to flesh,
And make an altogether new beginning…



Savior Save

Lies that fly by night and the plagues that stalks by day
Has overwhelmed and consumed my way…
The plight that takes flight at noon has too soon struck
Down my spirit as I inherit the wind…
Deadly pestilence that creeps in morning with no warning
Has filled the hole in my very soul…
And am I undone now with none to save as the thousands
Heed the call to bring my battle fall?
Even my very children have turned their backs for lack
Of love as they cover their own shame;
And who’s to blame that the enemy came to man so lame?
My strength has dissipated into the air…
And is this fair that no one seems to care to help bear
My cursed burden that brings me low below?

Savior Save

Roses and Champagne Love

He delved into his pockets to buy twelve roses he’d carefully chosen,
Then went for the bottle of champagne in his avid campaign of love;
This day he would not miss, for it was the day they met on their way
To the same party of love; the day light faded into glorious night ~
Valentine’s Day ~ and the way she kissed him for the very first time,
And passion ignited eventually led to wedding fashion and honeymoon
On another Valentine’s, which gave way to canopy of home and family;
No, he would not forget this day nor ever remit his love, but admit
His complete devotion in frenzied motion along with deep emotion,
No matter the commotion caused; he would not be absent but valiant
In showing his undying love, no matter how cold his only sweetheart;
He would sit by her once more, heart torn with loss borne by grief,
His true lover under cover of earth would give birth again to mirth
Of memories gone by . . . all with no more than stone cold reply.
‘Happy Valentine’s,’ he would utter with shutter; ‘oh my one love
Now above where the angels sing; may they now bring my best to you’
Happy Valentine’s Day

Fare Thee Well. . .

You left me behind, and I know not why;
You’d been so kind, such a friend to find.
Why now bow out? Do you doubt my love?
Why walk and talk with me so much before
To flip-flop and drop me? Did something
Crop up? Did you make a friendship swap;
Has our communion been so shallow, or
Perhaps even hallow? With broken heart
And tears; I guess my part is to cry and
Say ‘good-bye,’ but why? Sigh in my soul,
Thoughts fly round as I lie awake at night,
And at noontime high I dry my face and pace.
Oh what went wrong, my dear, that I must
Sing such drear song as I make my way along?
Fare thee well, then … fare thee well.

Lamentation of the Soul

JDN2I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my coach with my weeping; my eyes waste away because of grief…

I feel somewhat like Quoheleth of old, to wit, that everything is vanity – empty, vacuous, without rhyme or reason, ultimately meaningless – in my own life, at least. Degrees seem like nothing more than worthless pieces of paper, writings best sacrificed to the flames, work both past and present inconsequential … and loneliness shrouds me like a woolen garment in mid-summer. I am lost in an inhospitable wilderness, no longer searching for the illusive Promised Land, but only for water to satiate my terrible thirst. No oasis appears on the horizon, and only dæmonic voices can be heard beneath the searing sun, while screeching wraiths dance round my dying frame in the midnight hour, salivating over my damned soul. This is how I feel.

What cause? Walking this earth an intolerable lifetime alone and lonely, unloved because unlovable, untouched and unburied, repugnant and without life; merely existing, one wasted man in this wasted world. No eyes look upon with compassion, no tears are shed; no kindly smiles are offered, no arms reach to embrace; no cool clothe to wipe my fevered brow, no sweet kiss and gentle caress.

It’s a cheap trick, boy, more than a soul pin-prick;
Dicey to play the game; it always ends the same
Walking down this lonely road on a starlit night
With dust on your shoes … and love –
Love out of sight.

Into the deep quagmire of depression I descend once again, but only to question again if this is not another epiphany, an uncovered, naked realization of truth. For all the kindly words spoken, courtesies extended, services happily rendered, compliments paid, gifts given, prayers prayed and screams in the night; there is still no one. I’ve been given no guardian angel, yet I dare not complain. The divine mandate is issued without any recourse to flights of human fancy and desires born of primordial urges. I would serve as the servant of all servants, yet even God gives me breathe only to fill space that, in the mystery of life, cannot be left vacant. How should I then expect anyone else to want me?

With each passing day the grave looks more the kindly home than my own wrecked heart could ever be, this dark and haunted domicile of my soul. Let me go, Governor; let me go! Mine eyes have seen your glory and the glory of your salvation; the liberation of people called your own, your children, and the One who was born to be Liberator. Now let me depart in peace. There is nothing more; for me, there has been nothing, to be received nor to offer, or if offered no one to receive nor who cares to receive. Why continue in futility? Have you consigned me to the Purgatorial fires here in this world? But to what avail, when I’ll surely descend again into the purifying flames? Free me, for the sake of your mercy, for there is no one here for me, no one to whom I can turn, no bosom upon which to lay my head. My life is rot, my work refuse, and should I meet the one of whom I’ve dreamed and for whom I’ve longed, she could not long look to me, repugnant, and I have not the strength to make appeal.  No, wedding chimes are heard at the tomb. I’ll give myself completely to the ground, make love to the earth, and celebrate in the netherworld.

Born in darkness unbidden, you left me forlorn;
And deaf to my cries, forever hidden your face…

And where now my heart, no soul but shade,
But eternally imprisoned in the land of oblivion?
This child of yours, this creature you made,
Begging your favor! God, arouse and awaken!

And all my hopes and dreams and aspirations lie once again, shattered on the ground of reality.