My oldest sister says she thought she’d lost me forever. To tell the truth, I’m kind of surprised she hadn’t, what with the audible and visual hallucinations coupled with what my dear Angela described as “talking backwards.” No, my sister, Ann, couldn’t even begin to understand me while I was going through what I now a bit lamely call “The Ordeal.”
The Ordeal began a little over one year ago … well, about one year and four months ago, to my best recollection. To this day I cannot say exactly what caused this agonizing nightmare, but I believe that at least part of it had to do with the medications I was taking at the time for bi-polar, depression and anxiety. Perhaps this was the total cause of my slip into an awful unreality, but I do think there was more to it than the pills.
Looking back on the Ordeal, and considering where I was at the time — mentally, emotionally, and especially spiritually — I have come to seriously believe the “hand of God” was involved in my demise. Oh, I know this is an unpopular, unpalatable, and certainly controversial statement to make, yet I believe that, somewhat like Nebuchadnezzar of ancient lore, I was “struck down,” ultimately for my own good.
During that time I was in and out of the South Alabama Medical Center emergency room (ER) and Behavioral Medical Unit (BMU), finally landing in the New Day BMU in Ozark, Alabama. After a two-week stay at New Day, it was decided by my sister, my psychiatrist, and a local therapist that I would do well to move into one of the SpectraCare (the regional mental health agency) group homes. I agreed.
I can still recall the fear that I felt, and just how absolutely overwhelming the world around me felt. I needed some kind of safe haven, some place stable and secure, some home “fenced off” from everything else. So the group home was an obvious necessity, but it was still a difficult transition, and my fears did not immediately go away. There were times during the first couple of months that I felt like I was coming unravelled.
Really and truly, I wondered if I was going to make it, or if I would end up being confined to some psychiatric hospital for the remainder of my life. I was terrorized by this possibility, and literally fought (emotionally and psychologically) to stay in the group home rather than being transferred to another, more restrictive, more “serious” facility. I was already at the low point of my life… I did not want to devolve any further.
But what did God have to do with this? Despite the pretense of humility — and I truly believed I was humble — nevertheless I was proud … arrogant, at least in my own estimation of myself. No, it perhaps did not show outwardly, not glaringly so, anyway; however, I was haughty. I was also quite contentious … opinionated … religious without really being spiritual. And so through degradation, God remoulded me, making me new.
“When my sanity returned, my honor, my majesty, and the glory of my kingdom were given back to me… And now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise, honor, and glorify the King of Heaven. Everything he does is right and just, and he can humble anyone who acts proudly.”
~ Daniel 4. 36a, 37 (GNT)
Of course, I did not come out perfect, but I did come out changed for the better … truly thankful for stability in life, mental and emotional health, grateful for the seemingly small and ordinary things of the world, more staid and gentle, seriously and simply spiritual rather than religious, and far more empathetic with those who suffer, especially the mentally ill — that is, those like me.
This is, admittedly, a very brief overview of my life experience over the last couple of years, but this is enough for the time being. (It has been quite difficult to write this much.) But I would like to return to this from time to time, as I believe that it’s good (and healthy) to openly, honestly share… This, then, will be like an open journal. One more note, though: My recent Ordeal has led me in the direction of counseling. Very simply, I want to give back some of the good I’ve received from so many caring people, and to this I genuinely believe God is calling me.
21 thoughts on “Crazy Life: My Testimony, Part I”
Thank you for your openness to share your journey of what happened last year. I remember very well the last poem you wrote before your blog went silent. I went back many times to check on you.
God has done a miracle in you. As hard as you had gone through, you came through it and you clearly articulate your fear, your transformation, and now your desire to help in doing counseling.
I’m so happy for you and look forward to reading more of your insight about your Ordeal.
Thank you so very much, Miriam, for all of your prayers, loving concern, and support. God has truly blessed me with friends and sisters (and brothers) like you. Blessings to you!
You’re welcome, Jonathan. Please keep us posted!
God bless you. God bless your sister and family for their care as well.
“… My House is Sanctuary / For those found on the road at night / And I countenance not letting one pass by / Without offering My Bread and Wine / Food and Spirit so you may rest / And begin anew the journey awake, refreshed / And sure of the way / Guided in Truth by light of day / Undeceived by the moonless night / Where shadows obscure even firelight / And each step becomes less sure. … “
Very beautiful, moving and poignant, my friend! Thank you so very much! Blessings to you as well!
Having been in a position of giving back, after a series of ups and downs on the autism spectrum, I applaud your movement towards counseling. Those who have been on the inside, so to speak, can offer a far more equanimical approach to helping, than can anyone cast as neurotypical (if indeed there is any such thing).
Ah, yes, I agree with you! Thank you so much for reading and commenting, my friend… Blessings to you!
A brave choice you made dear Jonathan. I too believe those who have been through similar ordeals can help others. However, be aware of not ‘going in to deep’ with the ones in need…
Thank you so very much, Patty!
Bipolar the great. What can I say. Its great that you came out better. You are a strong person.
Thank you so very much! Yes, I am extremely thankful! Peace and blessings to you!
Peace and blessings to you too.